My husband says if I don’t go swinging with him, I’m out
DEAR DEIDRE: I fear that saying no to my partner’s weird sex demands may end up making me and my kids homeless.
This is making me feel like a terrible mum and a useless partner.
We’ve been together for five years. I’m 45, he’s 48 and I have two kids from a previous relationship.
Over the past few years our sex life has deteriorated, until we weren’t doing it at all and he ended up sleeping on the sofa.
I wanted intimacy and affection and felt so rejected. He eventually admitted he was bored with our “vanilla” sex life and needed to try new things.
Reluctantly, I agreed. We started going to swingers’ parties, which I didn’t really enjoy unless I was really drunk.
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I’m quite insecure about my body and don’t feel comfortable getting naked around strangers.
We were supposed to be going to one last weekend, but I said I didn’t want to go.
This led to a huge argument and he said I should find somewhere else to live.
I’m gutted, because when I moved in with him four years ago, I gave up my flat to move into his.
Rental prices are now totally unaffordable and if I leave, my kids and I will have nowhere to go.
I’m torn. I don’t want to swing just to keep a roof over our heads, though I don’t think he’d see me out on the streets.
But I can’t see a way back for our relationship unless I agree. Please help.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Saying you need to find a new home because you don’t want to go swinging with him is controlling behaviour.
Even if your partner wouldn’t throw you out, he’s still trying to manipulate you to do something sexual that you don’t want to do – and that’s abusive.
If two people are not sexually compatible they need to compromise and find mutually satisfying solutions, not make unfair demands on each other.
You and your kids deserve better. My support pack, Abusive Relationship, explains more.
Please think about quitting this relationship. Maybe you could stay with a friend or relative while you get sorted.
You can get help to prevent home-lessness. For housing advice, contact shelter.org.uk (0808 800 4444).
