I’ve met the woman of my dreams but how do I leave my wife?
DEAR DEIDRE: The spark has gone in my marriage, but a woman at work makes me feel so alive again.
She reinvigorates me and we enjoy intense and fulfilling sex, while my wife seems relieved I’ve stopped asking.
I know that leaving my wife would cause a world of pain to her and our kids, but I want the chance to be happy again.
I’m 53 and my lover is 40. My wife is also 53, and our kids are 22 and 19.
My wife is a lovely woman and we don’t argue or annoy each other.
The problem is our sex life, which is virtually non-existent.
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I’m still a very virile man with a healthy sex drive, but she just isn’t interested at all.
I just don’t think she finds me attractive any more.
She has never had a high libido and over the past four years she’s always been too tired or not in the mood. Eventually I simply gave up asking.
The woman I’m having an affair with is a long-time friend, who works in another branch of my company, 150 miles away.
Our affair began last summer, when I went there on a work trip, as I often have to do.
Since then, we have slept together every time I’ve had to work there — and I’ll admit I’ve created opportunities when possible too.
Sex with her is incredible, far better than it ever was with my wife.
We have fallen in love and she is waiting patiently for me to leave.
But while I do want to be with her, I’m terrified of the upheaval and pain that ending my marriage and starting again would cause everyone.
I care deeply for my wife and don’t want to hurt her.
My kids are adults, but will be devastated. The stress of this situation is making me extremely anxious.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You have been passive for years, noticing the lack of a spark or sex in your marriage, but doing and saying nothing.
Now the woman you love is waiting for you, but you don’t have the courage to leave your wife to be with her.
It’s time to make a hard decision. Either you leave your wife and deal with the inevitable consequences, or you end your affair and work on improving your marriage.
Only you can decide what’s right for you.
But do nothing and you risk your lover losing patience, or your wife finding out and forcing your hand.
Counselling might help you think things through and calm your anxiety.
Contact Relate (relate.org.uk) to arrange a relationship therapy session. And see my Counselling support pack.
