I caught my husband out having sex with other men… and he blames me
DEAR DEIDRE: FIVE years ago I caught my husband sending our male window cleaner naked photos and sexual messages.
Instead of apologising, my husband laughed and said it was just a joke. But it wasn’t funny to me.
Eventually he admitted they had been having an affair for six months.
I’m 58 and my husband is 65. I thought we were happy until I stumbled across those messages.
So the latest development has been shattering for me.
Making it worse, he then blamed my fibromyalgia as an excuse for his affair.
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Once the truth came out about their liaison, he ended it and assured me he only wanted me.
I forgave him but he has avoided sex with me ever since.
He invariably turns me down if I try to initiate it, even though he says I can have it any time.
On the rare occasions we do finally have sex, he can’t climax.
He visited his doctor, who says it’s psychological, and he eventually admitted he no longer desires me.
Suspicious, I looked at his phone while he was in the garage.
Sure enough, there were multiple illicit messages between him and different men, as well as one woman.
I tore into the garage to have it out with him. Again, he said it was just a joke — he was winding them up for a laugh.
It’s not doing my health any good. I am overweight, depressed and on medication.
I’ve told my husband I want to move out, but he keeps saying he loves me.
He insists he isn’t gay. I don’t know what to do.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Whether he’s straight, gay or bisexual, he should not be cheating – and no relationship can survive without trust.
Some men do experience erection difficulties after an affair because they feel so guilty.
But rather crushingly, your husband has said he has no desire for you, which suggests a different reason.
It’s not fair to expect you to remain in a marriage where there is no intimacy.
You need to explore why he keeps cheating and whether you can genuinely move forward.
Therapy would help you unravel what is really going on in your marriage.
The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk) will help connect you with a reputable counsellor.
