A warts and all review of the hilariously odd £72 Margaritaville cruise to the Bahamas

RANDY is a regular here, his pineapple shirt wide open, much like, one assumes, his relationship.

He seems intoxicated by life rather than his bright blue cocktail, although I’m sure it will be both as the evening goes on.

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I’m on a two-night cruise which costs just £72 for two and has a mentality of “It’s 5-o’clock somewhere”.

The cheap voyage on the Margaritaville At Sea is a jolly holiday on a circular route from Florida’s east coast to the island of Grand Bahama.

It is a bargain bender for less than the cost of some train tickets across the UK.

But with that £72 including two nights’ board and all-inclusive food and entertainment, what were we signing up for?

It goes without saying, this isn’t a luxury cruise.

Built in 1991, the veteran liner has been given somewhat of a makeover.

Personally, I didn’t mind the perky paint job and sporadically placed Ikea prints, but it does have Ford Fiesta with spoiler and alloy wheels vibe.

The cruise terminal is wedged between a port stacked 30ft high with shipping containers.

And the entrance hall is buzzing with eccentric-looking couples, a few hen dos and a curious clientele of “Parrot Heads” — hardcore fans of Jimmy Buffett, who wrote the song Margaritaville.

Those opting for the cheapest option, as we had, will be treated to an Interior Cabin with no balcony or window.

But because a forecast hurricane led some guests to reschedule, we were upgraded to an Oceanview Stateroom.

It was exactly the same as the Interior Cabin, but with a salt-stained porthole to look out of, which we rarely, if ever, did.

Sailing away, the party was in full swing on the main deck — and everyone was sloshed before the last of Florida’s coastline disappeared into the mist.

Drinks are not included in the price, but an extra £79 gets you a ten-drink package, which with the notoriously heavy Bahamian pour is plenty to be getting on with.

Priced individually, cocktails were £10 and beer was £5.50.

I was pleasantly surprised by the grub too.

The comically-named Port Of Indecision buffet serves breakfast, lunch and dinner, with the usual spread of pasta, tacos, meat and veg.

And for dinner, restaurant Fin’s, included in the fare, has a decent choice, including jerk chicken and shrimp skewers.

Entertainment, on the other hand, was slightly more questionable, including a band in which the singer didn’t seem to know the words or, in fact, the notes.

Live music in the main lounge drew a crowd to the dancefloor, but the vibe was more dancing accountants at the office Christmas party

There was also a lively stage show, which was pretty entertaining despite the Butlin’s-standard production quality.

But it was the duelling piano bar which was the busiest, with two old chaps playing soullessly through Billy Joel-weathered fingers.

After that it was pineapple-shirt Randy versus the karaoke — and here the entertainment really began.

Kicking off at 10pm, this portion of the evening was like a disconcerting fever dream.

Having a blast

A woman from Boca Raton, Florida, was first up to sing Oasis’s Champagne Supernova — a song she announced beforehand she’d “never heard, but sounded glamorous”.

I can confirm that it was anything but.

Then it was time for a 23-year-old, who only went by his “stage name” of Luke Zero, and his girlfriend Mia.

What ensued was an Eminem rap battle, but with one person shouting at himself while the other wailed incoherently.

At this point we ordered another round.

Randy was up every other song with his increasingly sexual renditions of obscure country songs.

By midnight his unbuttoned shirt was off and it was time for bed for us.

Daytime on the Margaritaville At Sea was more relaxed.

The hurricane had let us set sail but it did mean our excursion to go swimming with pigs was cancelled, so we opted to lounge by the pool.

In the end, it wasn’t quite the Bahama brag we’d hoped for, since the Port of Grand Bahama consisted of a retail park and a factory.

Still, the deck had day beds and live music all afternoon, plus free burgers at the Paradise bar.

Things must be going well for Margaritaville At Sea as the company is rumoured to have bought another ship to add to its fleet.

Despite the unconventional order of play, everyone on board seemed to be having a blast.

The vibe is, if you drink enough tequila you won’t notice or care.

Friendly staff worked hard and the level of service far exceeded the bargain price tag.

Would I fly here from the UK to do this?

Absolutely not.

But, for a bit of fun on the end of a trip to Florida, anchors away!

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