My mum-in-law drives me insane – she asked to wear BLACK to my wedding and cut me out of photo albums
MEL Fallowfield and mum-in-law Irene have never seen eye to eye.
Today they tell us about their rocky relationship.
From criticising your cooking to unsolicited tips on parenting, mothers-in-law can have an uncanny ability to push our buttons.
So much so that six in ten women admit to having a strained relationship with theirs, a study by Cambridge University found.
It’s a statistic 50-year-old Mel Fallowfield can identify with all too well.
The writer — who lives in White City, West London, with her marketing director husband Brian, 51, and their two sons, aged 17 and 13 — says: “Christmas is a time for peace and goodwill to all men — and, indeed, mothers-in-law.
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“But my mother-in-law and I spent one Christmas together about ten years ago and it’s fair to say neither of us ever wants to repeat the experience.
“Irene and I couldn’t be more different.
“She believes a woman should be a domestic goddess and ‘look after their man’, while I’m a feminist who thinks life’s just too short to scrub skirting boards and make Yorkshire puddings from scratch.
“I love my mother-in-law.
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“Without her I wouldn’t have Brian or my two teenage boys.
“She’s tough, bright and, at 80, still has more marbles than most people start with.
“But she also drives me insane.
“She talks incessantly, criticises me at every opportunity and is always right.
“The only time I remember us agreeing on anything is when we watched the film Monster-In-Law, starring Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez as warring daughter and mother-in-law.
“We both howled with laughter and admitted that things could be worse.
“From early on, I could tell she wasn’t my biggest fan.
“She didn’t like the fact that I’m career-orientated, which I find odd because she’s always worked herself.
“There were caustic remarks whenever she came round for supper and Marks & Spencer had taken the strain of making it.
“But I’m a terrible cook and often worked late.
“When Brian and I got engaged after eight years together, I expected her to at least pretend to be pleased.
“Instead, she asked to wear black to our wedding and told me she didn’t feel she was gaining a daughter, but losing her son.
“When I said I thought she’d got it the wrong way round, she told me, firmly, that she hadn’t.
“On our big day, she looked like she’d swallowed a wasp.
“I could just write her off as a talkative battleaxe who thinks no one would be good enough for her darling son.
“But she adores my sister-in-law, Annie — as do I — who is kind, warm and patient.
“Although it can feel hurtful that she clearly prefers Annie, in a way it’s a relief — it’s Annie she’s chosen to live near to, hundreds of miles away in Austria.
“When I had my sons she was thrilled.
“She’s a lovely granny and my boys adore her.
“But she had set ideas on parenting and must have told me a million times that I should do things the way she did with Brian, always adding: ‘It didn’t harm him.’
“We’ve now known each other for 25 years and I’ve mostly learnt not to take anything personally.
“But last year when I was visiting, I spotted a photo album with the words My Family on the front.
“I flicked through the beautiful pictures but, when I got to the end, realised there wasn’t a single snap of me — despite our wedding being included.
“That did hurt a bit.
“But I wonder if Brian then broke his golden rule about not interfering and said something to her, because a few months later she gave me my first ever Christmas present — some expensive face cream.
“I chose not to think it was a barbed present that suggested I’m looking older than my years.”
Irene, 80, who lives near Innsbruck in Austria, has her own story to tell.
She says: “Brian’s previous girlfriends were all very different to Mel.
“They were gentler and always happy to get stuck in with our family, helping to cook or do the gardening with me.
“Mel, on the other hand, always seemed a bit dismissive, as if she didn’t really have time to see me and my late husband Peter and was squeezing us in under sufferance.
“The first time I met her, we took her out for a huge meal.
“Afterwards, she thanked me for ‘supper’.
“Being a northerner, supper to me is a snack before you go to bed — so it seemed as if she didn’t deem it worthy of being called dinner.
‘I do try to watch my words around her’
“There have been a lot of misunderstandings.
“She takes everything very personally and always reads the worst into what I say.
“When I said I felt I was losing my son, I did mean it.
“But I think a lot of mothers feel like that and she should have been more empathetic.
“He’s my youngest and I knew I’d miss the feeling that I was the most important woman in his life.
“But it wasn’t supposed to be taken badly.
“And when I asked to wear black to their wedding it was because I had seen something I thought would work — I don’t think I wished I was attending her funeral, even subconsciously.
“I do try to watch my words around her, as I feel she’s totting up yet another perceived slight.
“Just the other day she cooked me some duck and I said I’d had worse at a restaurant.
“I meant it nicely, but I’m sure I caught her bristling.
“And the photo album was a present, so it wasn’t my fault she doesn’t feature, though I suppose it isn’t impossible that they thought I’d prefer it without her.
“I’ll never be as effusive as Mel is — she’ll waffle on for ever, thanking people for the slightest thing.
“It’s irritating and seems insincere.
“And she should make more effort to be domesticated.
“I know she’s got a career but that doesn’t take up all her waking hours.
“I was at her flat the other day and my button fell off.
“I couldn’t believe that she doesn’t even possess a sewing kit.
“I managed not to comment though, so I am trying.
“Mel has given me two lovely grandsons, who she clearly loves to pieces, and Brian is happy.
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“So although I don’t have the same bond with her as with my other daughter-in-law, I’m very pleased she’s part of the family.
“I wish I saw more of the boys at times like Christmas, but I’ve just been staying with them for a few days, which I really enjoyed . . . I wonder if Mel did too?”